Knowledge for Your Healing
There is power in having words for what you have lived. Many women tell us the day they learned these terms was the day things finally made sense.
Behaviors of an Abuser
- Respect, love, affection, even common decency withheld
- Continual negativity and unhappiness
- Posing as an outstanding person in the community while abusing you and your children behind closed doors
- Expecting you to hide the abuse
- Communication that is impossible
- Repeatedly playing the victim to others
- Blaming you for their failures and disappointments
- Leaving you living in fight, flight or survival mode
- Constant devaluing
- No compassion for your pain, needs or feelings
- Lying to support a make-believe reality
- Attacking you for not using the “right” tone
- Financial control
- Being your greatest enemy instead of your safe place
- Caring more about image and reputation than about loving you
- Constant rejection
- Broken promises
- Nothing you do is ever enough
- Leaving you feeling worthless and helpless
- Cheating, and calling it your fault
- Being willing to destroy you to “win”
- Chronic health problems from living in trauma
It is not always a spouse or partner. Abuse can come from parents, siblings, friends or co-workers.
Words to Know
Gaslighting. Making you doubt your own memory, perception or sanity.
Love bombing. Overwhelming attention and affection used to gain control early in a relationship.
Hoovering. Attempts to “suck you back in” after you pull away, often with promises of change.
Projection. Accusing you of the very things they are doing.
Flying monkeys. People who carry out the abuser’s agenda, spreading their story or pressuring you on their behalf.
Reactive abuse. When a victim finally reacts after long provocation, and the reaction is used to paint her as the abuser.
Coercive control. A pattern of domination through isolation, intimidation, monitoring and control of daily life.
Post-separation abuse. Abuse that continues after leaving, often through finances, courts or the children.
Parental alienation (as a tactic). A label sometimes used against protective parents who speak about abuse; learn how it can be misused.
Your Body Was Trying to Protect You
Migraines, numb hands, exhaustion, anxiety and a mind that feels “scrambled” are common in women living in chronic abuse. Your body was not betraying you. It was trying to keep you safe. Healing often begins when your nervous system finally feels safe.
Recommended Reading
Worthy of Love by Debbie Mirza, the book we read together in our groups.
Healing Is Possible offers education, peer support and spiritual guidance. It is not licensed therapy and not legal advice. Learn more.